I'm Not Jadzia
by ruleofacquisition33
Summary: Ezri has always felt like she's in Jadzia's shadow. Is she, or isn't she? Snapshots of Ezri's time on DS9 and her developing relationships with the people on the station.


Eight lifetimes were dumped into my head only a few months ago. All I had was a fifteen minute talk from the CMO- and he wasn't even a Trill!

* * *

My first instinct was to go to Benjamin, so that's exactly what I did. And then he took me to DS9, a place where _her_ memory lurks around every corner.

They all accepted me, and Julian and Quark were back to flirting for my attention almost immediately. Worf avoided me.

* * *

"This is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but you have Jadzia's eyes."

"Don't flirt with me, Julian. I'm not Jadzia- I'm not strong enough to resist."

* * *

I found my niche on DS9 quickly enough. I was quite amazed at how easily I was accepted into my new life. There were some rocky times with Garak, but I think I got past them easily enough. Things were tough with the war going on, but I felt happy- or as happy as I could be without Worf.

I miss him. More accurately, _Dax_ missed him, but that is a very difficult distinction for a newly joined, underprepared Trill to make.

* * *

So an opportunity presented itself, and I took it. Being with Worf was… good, but I don't really know what I was thinking. He's not right for me- Julian is. And he would be heartbroken if he ever found out what I'd done.

* * *

Life on DS9 was getting more and more complicated again. Odo was sick, and it was killing Julian that he couldn't find a way to help him. Worf had finally accepted that I loved Julian, and helped me to see that I needed to tell him how I felt. So when I went to do that, nervous as _hell_ in the infirmary, Julian discovered the Changeling disease had infected Odo.

Jadzia somehow always got the really romantic moments, where life slowed down for her and her feelings. That's never going to happen to me.

* * *

Julian and Miles are in big trouble now. Tricking Luther Sloan from Section 31 into coming to the station, trapping him and planning to use Romulan mind probes to glean information about the cure for Odo? Benjamin wasn't happy at all, and to make matters worse, Sloan activated a suicide chip or something in his brain. And then Julian and Miles went into his head to find the cure. They'll die with him if they don't make it out in time.

If he comes back, I'm going to kill him.

He comes back. And the first thing he says is, "Ezri. You look so... _beautiful_."

* * *

Now things were awkward. We couldn't function any time the other was near. We agreed to accept that we weren't going to be more than friends, because we didn't want anything to ruin our friendship.

* * *

Oh, no. He's waiting for the turbolift. But today, for some reason, I don't turn the other way.

"Good morning!" We both chorus cheerfully.

There's some idle small talk that I don't remember, and then we step into the lift. As the door closes, he leans close to me, so that his arm is on the railing directly behind me. I look up him, and as the doors close, I throw myself into his arms.

* * *

The night before we left on our final mission of the Dominion War, we slept together. I thought it was going to make me feel like I was finally wanted somewhere, as _Ezri_ , but it didn't. Julian looks so peaceful, like he has finally achieved a goal he's had for years. Which, I suppose, he has. He's finally slept with Dax. Does he want me… or _her_? I'll never know.

* * *

I'm not Jadzia. But apparently that's all I am to the people who knew her. I'll never be Ezri- just their new Jadzia, their new Dax.

But I'm not Jadzia. Right? I'm different, I have my own ambitions, my own relationships, my own life…

I'm not Jadzia. I'm not. I'm Ezri. I am, really….

All I can do now is hope. Hope that I'll never become who I was before.

But it's too late. I'm not Ezri Tigan anymore. I'm Dax. I'm Jadzia, and Curzon, and Joran and Torias and Audrid and Emony and Tobin and Lela.

I'm not Ezri. And I never will be again.


End file.
